Tripped over this - why you should dance.

While cleaning my inventory and looking for a quote I saved somewhere safe (which of course means 'where da fu.... did I put that?') I tripped over this in a NC I wrote May 21 2013.  I titled the NC "one more damned dancer stiring the pot". Some of you will recall the situation, some of you won't.  The situation itself doesn't really matter.  The thoughts are pretty good if I do say so myself *grins*

There has been an amazing amount of bullshit (yea,  let's call it what it is.   We're all adults, or supposed to be) flying through SL gor over the last few days.   I decided I'd like to add a little dung on the pile.
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I just finished the exhibition of the workshop I've wanted to do for over a year.  I love to teach.   I'm not the only one by any means.   I also love to learn.  I started dancing (badly) -  I didn't suck,  but like many things, it's hard to intuit the rules and the practices.  I started out at one school, continued with another class and then got down to business and starting DOING it.

So, now I'm an expert... HA!  What I have become expert at is smiling, nodding and getting out of the way when the proverbial bosk dung hits the fan.  I dance for 3 reasons:  I'm amazed I can actually do it, it gives me a way to explore what I come to SL to explore (my submission) and my Master wants me too (since I really don’t like even RP whippings *grins).  There are others who seem to enjoy my dancing:  my former Master Blaze Seattle for instance.  But what it comes right down to is I want to.

ANYONE telling me that I have to dance a certain way, have to follow a certain pattern, have to internalize a certain drive is going to find that my submission is somewhat selective, and my language ability ranges from highly educated multisyllabic to fishwife.  I've been listening to the dren flying about, all with it’s own skew.  What I've seen so far is there’s a lot of people who seem to think they have the right to tell other people what they should do.  Unfortunately this isn't new.  It’s just a little more evident right now.

In the past two years, the MOST important thing I've learned about dance is do it because you love it.  It’s bloody thankless work for the most part!  You carve your words, you put your heart and pieces of your soul into them, sometimes feeling like each one has been chiselled out of your own bones.  You set them out on a lovely silver platter and kneel before the world with them held up, head bowed low.

Then some git tells you it’s wrong, or stolen, or you didn't deserve 3rd place, or second or first.  What’s the appropriate reaction?  In my case, it’s been tears and angst, and then anger and fury, and then thinking 'Why did I just put myself through that again?'  Because I had something important I needed to share, not because I needed you to get it, but because I needed to share it.  (dat's the important bit right there btw.) Every girl who dances risks this every time she puts little pieces of herself out for you to ridicule.

Should I stop?  HELL NO!  Will I stop crying?  Probably not.  Will I continue to hold myself at arms length from the dance community as a whole?  Likely.  I've dealt with bullies before and don’t see any particular reason to hang about making nice.  There are people in the dance community I respect highly, even if I don’t agree with them.  Some of them are long time word sculptors, some are literally writing their first words.  Hopefully, I’ll be one of the ones who helps them find their voices and sends them out with methods to protect themselves.

Pain and learning to accept the apology you never got?

So, today's question is....  do you wait or give in when you feel you're owed an apology?  (title's a give away, sorry)

Here's my scattershot thought process, such as it is:

1. Closure is a myth.  Things just end sometimes with no rhyme or reason.  Relationships are seldom logical.  
2. There are worse things in life than being alone, but being alone is bloody hard.
3. The only one punished by isolation is the one isolated.

There are a few things going on, some of which are dragging up old baggage.  I was once driven off a sim because I made an OOC comment in IM about someone who complained there was nothing going on but never came out of the house, and was judged as 'worthless as a slave' because of it.  My Master at the time decided it wasn't important enough to deal with the bullying, and I spent several months trying to find a balance between not taking off the collar and being a 'semi-owned' loose slave.  It wasn't a happy time.  A lot of nasty things happened during that time, and there were a lot of tears.  Now I find myself in a not-quite the same but not quite different situation.  This time, I have a safe place to go where I'm wanted, but it's not, oh so very not, where I want to be, which is at my Master's boot.  I have a Master who wants me, but the sim situation is...well...   yea.

I've tried ducking my head and just ignoring it.  The latest brew-ha-ha occurred when I did what I was told to - pointed out a problem.  Suddenly, I'm the problem.  Gotta wonder at that point.  Apparently there's been some back tracking but no one feels it's important that I actually be included in the 'well damn, perhaps that wasn't the best response' thing.  Am I being petty?  I know you're thinking it.  Trust me, I've thought it.  What I am is hoping that there's a lesson in here somewhere for the people involved - if you want to take a slice outta someone for doing what you told them, don't expect that telling OTHER people you maybe kinda coulda done something differently is going to work.  Put on your big boy/girl pants and tell the person.  Added to this are accusations I was going exactly what I was pointing out (thought insults).  As with one of my former teaching spots, I was told "there have been complaints about you".  No one bothered to tell me of these before I made some noise of course, and no one's bothered to tell me what the complaints were or if they were recent, or if they were in revenge for some OOC bullshit I decided to cut through with a knife.  Sorry for the vague, but I dislike splashing names around ((unlike sage *snickers* sorry - I had to - I just had to get a laugh out of SOMETHING today))

I took a kick in the teeth from someone I didn't expect it from, and that combined with the admin response shook me enough I removed myself from the danger zone.  Then today, I took another from the one person I thought wasn't going to do such, and now...  well...  my world has spun ass over teakettle.  The problem with giving a damn is you get hurt.  The problem with giving a very big damn is you can get hurt very badly.  Tomorrow is another day.  I'm hoping it's a better one.

"try to forget you're an organic pain collector heading towards oblivion" - Marvin the depressive robot.

When slaves need to be seen and not heard

The single hardest thing for me to do is SHUT UP (stop laughing, I know you are).

Yesterday, we had a situation on sim.  I honestly can't imagine most people wouldn't have agreed with me, and many I've spoken to on a related situation have already.  The situation doesn't matter however, so I won't go into detail.

What does matter is what I did.  I RPed shock, horror...  I gasped.

OOC, was there idiocy afoot?  Damned right.  However, by inserting myself into the situation, by reacting and picking a side, I made myself a 'white knight' for the person who I agreed with.  Now, on the surface that seems like a good thing. Except for one thing:  The stronger defend the weaker.

By choosing a side, by making my intent clear, I, a slave, defended a free person.  Even with the subtlety of it (ok, I wasn't subtle, but let's pretend) I made clear I thought that a free person needed defending, and by a slave.

Others might assign fault for the RP and I'd have to agree with them.  Was the idiot wrong?  I think so.  Was I entitled to defend a free person in an IC context?  No.  Unequivically no.

Loss is hard

Over the last week, I have had my world turned upside down. I have walked away from the place I hoped to build a home.  Instead of understanding there is a systematic failure of honour, the problem is being discussed in terms of one incident.

I have been kicked in the teeth by someone I considered a friend because she didn't want to accept the consequences of a bad decision, blaming me for the fact she was punished instead of learning the lesson offered by her owner.   This has put in question an opportunity I hoped would fulfil my love of teaching.  

Things go in cycles, but I really wish this particular cycle would shift to whatever comes next. Hopefully 'next'  will be cleaner, clearer, honourable and a little logic in amongst the mix would be nice too.

The way you treat your women....

Says a lot about your honour.   I'm tired of FW being punched and abused in RP, and then threatened with collars for lashing out in frustration.   I'm tired of men without honour being backed up by those who should have it.

I'm also tired of slaves who can only seem to rp on their backs.   Of those who not only can't be bothered to lead them and call themselves owners.   In general, I'm tired of people taking the lazy easy out, parasitizing the work of others.  

I'm also tired of trying to help build only to watch others pervert things.   I'm sickened when it happens by small minds who have agendas.   I don't like it in my RP any more than my government.  

I'm debating now if I'm tired enough to start pushing back, pushing my own agenda up and screaming like a fish wife.   Or do I simply let the idiots have it?

Sims go in cycles.   Always have.   You get popular and idiots show up, or the idiots you have get comfortable as they surround themselves with other small minds.   The curse of traffic.  

For now, I have code to write, so I think I'll just plant myself in the meadow, get the squirrels (see cover shot) to beta test and relax.

Honour in Gor?

A conversation today about honour had me stating

"The question of honour is in the one taking the action,

 not the one upon which the action is taken" - rajaa, some time last week

(and no, that's not a typo, honour has a U in it *grins*)

There's a lot of bad RP around Free women in SL-Gor, particularly of the "Woman, shut up or I'll put you in a collar" variety.

I've read the books, 1-27?  (the first of the steel worlds, with the piggy people *shudders* yes, still getting THAT image out of my mind.  Somehow, I suspect we'd operate more like chimps than herds of cattle/boar).  I've read them more than once.  I read them individually when I started in Gor in 2006.  I read them straight through once in a 3 month period to develop a "coherent picture" of the mythos I was entering. I've since read individual books for my own research into particular aspects of the philosophy.  I've thought about it, I'd sometimes debated it, though most won't allow debate from a slave unless the slave is willing to say "yes Master" (mine isn't one fortunately) and agree she was an idiot and the man is all knowing.  I've listened to the worst and best interpretations of it.  I've also seen the equivalent of the bad RP in the groups on Fetlife that are full of people professing to BE gorean.  Trust me, if you self-identify as slave, keep yer head down.  Catty lotta bitches in there, and then there's the women!

So, errr... where was I?  OH!  Honour....

A gorean FW is precious.  You might WANT to backhand her for sniping at you.  You might fantasise about doing it, dream of watching her sprawled out in a pile of skirts on the public square, but you wouldn't DO it. She has the privilege of saying what she likes - she's free.  Why?  Two reasons - someone wants her free (family, companion, caste allies, business associates, etc) and what she says to you, so long as she doesn't denigrate your honour, doesn't AFFECT your honour.

Where does your honour come into it?  Would you tie her up, bind her helpless and beat the crap out of her?  No?  Why not?  BECAUSE SHE CAN"T DEFEND HERSELF.  Well, guess what, you don't have to bind her up to make her helpless.  BTB, a city gorean FW would have little or no weapons training, she's weaker than you.  How is this a fair fight physically?

And, if JN is to be believed, she's not as smart as you*.  So, if you don't like her words, you can figuratively pat her on the head and chuckle.  Her saying them isn't a threat to you in any way.

Now.  If she says you're not honourable, there's an issue.  You can go to what ever man is responsible for her and let him know she's writing cheques his ass is gonna have to cash, or you can tell her off.  It's your honour and you're allowed to defend it, required to even I'd imagine (no, I haven't studied the codes, I'm a slave and a woman.)

So, If your honour is in question, remember to act with honour in your handling of the situation. Otherwise you prove her right.  If your honour isn't in question, then her words cannot hurt you and why are you flipping out in the first place?

*yea, I don't agree with him - you breed with someone dumber, over time you're gonna dumb down the species, but hey, it's a fantasy right?  Go ahead and breed smarter males and dumber females and if you want to go on EQ, ask me about the pygmie shrew one day

Learn something damnit

When I started out in SL Gor, I was in (then, not now) Midgaard.  Years and years and years ago.  I was locked naked in the kennel until I could do ONE thing:  GREET correctly.  Now, the greeting had onlineisms in it, but at least I learned that there was a ritual and responsibility in the RP choice I'd made.  I had to earn the right to be able to open the door, and I had to earn clothing.  I was given a NC and 3 days.  No one was available to test me, so I was in there for 7.  It was damned boring.  I didn't like it.

Since then, there have been various things I haven't liked about being a slave.  Some things drive me bat-shit crazy about it.  That early training, that I had to follow a particular set of rules and rituals and that I'd decided I wanted the role so "suck it up and do it" has stood me in good stead.

Do I want to jump in and chatter with the free?  Yup!  Do I like being sent off on an errand?  Often no.  Do I want to be expected to follow this or that stupid rule?  Told when I can speak, on what topics I can speak, where I can go, when I have to go there, what I have to do?  No usually.  BUT THE SIMPLE FACT IS THAT I MADE THE CHOICE TO BE ON MY KNEES.  With that choice comes an expected set of behaviors.  Those behaviors include knowing that, ICly, I am property, that I have no more rights than a verr, a chair, or piece of garbage.  I know the RP will roll over and around me sometimes, and that many (most) times I will not be central and will sometimes be shunted to the side.  That is simply the way it is.

I've RPed free, and I've RPed slave.  I did make a male alt once but I just wasn't comfortable so that didn't last long (2 days?).  I thought I'd have fun fighting, but geez men are hunted! LOL  The long and short of it is I chose to be on my knees and no one can make me stay there.  ((Sorry Master *grins cheekily))  If you want the role, learn the basics and accept the responsibility.  FW don't go running around in earrings and silks flirting and slaves don't talk back.  It's pretty damned simple really.  Gor is very black and white on most things.  Don't like the limitations?  Rip off your collar and put on a dress, or rip off the dress and put on a collar.  Just pick one.

my new normal

I have made my first two stands on the political situation in SL gor dance.

1. I withdrew from a contest where "that person" was involved. (mind you, I'd already sent her my music - wonder if she'll steal it? *smirks hard*)
2. I have put a statement on the entry of another.  This will go on each and every entry I make.

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Please let me know if sage betson has entered, enters later or is involved in the contest/exhibit.  After severe and public accusations of preferment and outright cheating towards the organization at which I teach,  and her refusal to substantiate them, I am unwilling to even tacitly approve her participation in the art.   Since this was not the first time, I have had to decide to take the side of my principles.  I do this on my own and not as part of any other organization. My apologies, and you may choose to discard my application now if that is more convenient or if you disagree with me.  

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Am I comfortable with this?  no.  Frankly I'm not.  I know a lot of people are going to see it as princessy and childish.  Am I going to do it anyway?  Yes.  I think I have to.  I will not provide even tacit support to sage.  I have not gone and shouted it to the hills inworld.  I will, however, not participate and 'cheer her on' and I will not attend an event where I cause a split.

Do I expect to have people frown on me for this?  yup!  I expect I'll get a lot of verbal abuse and find myself blacklisted from a wide ranging number of events.  Others I will simply avoid, like organizations in which she participates.  Frankly, I expect I'm going to pay through the nose for this decision and probably been seen as the problem.  But, I STILL think it has to be done, and that it's the right thing for me to do.

I AM A POSER!

I've been thinking about these words.  I received notice (second hand, cause they usually don't say it to your face) that I was a 'poser'.

From the Urban Dictionary:

poser

1.one who pretends to be someone whose not.
2. who tries to fit in but with exaggeration 

From Merriam-Webster

¹pos·er

 noun \ˈpō-zər\

1) Definition of POSER

:  a puzzling or baffling question

Origin of POSER

³pose

First Known Use: 1793

2) Definition of POSER

:  a person who poses

So, which is it?  I'm definitely a picture perfect fit for the Merriam Webster definition.  I use animations and I drive Master and others to distraction regularly *grins*.  However, I suspect they meant the Urban Dictionary's usage.  

Anyone who's known me for more than about 15 minutes OOC will be pretty clear I mean what I say, I say it bluntly and I don't particularly care to pretty up the words much.  I'm not sure that qualifies me.  Am I trying to fit in, but with exaggeration?  Perhaps they're misinterpreting "blunt sarcastic bitch"?  

Ya wanna know what I think?  You sure?  OK, if you're sure...

I think the 2 brain cells they have left are so far apart they can`t brush up against each other when their head wobbles.  Throwing out an insult is the best they can manage, and they don`t even have the guts to do it in person.  

Did I mention I`m blunt?

New stuff happening!

• The next run of the Write your first dance workshop starts Jan 29th!  We have 4 facilitators.  

• I'm currently taking Rya Inglewood's advanced dance course.  She's a bitch!  (please tell her I said that? *grins*) Really though, I'm enjoying it immensely.  It's good to learn and have fun doing it.  Lots of dances to write.  

• Master is getting us settled into Sais.  I hope to do some teaching there.

• GC has a contest coming up on Feb 15 for dancers who have never competed!  Mentors are available if any contestants want one.  I was voluntold I'd be judging, so I'm not mentoring at all.  

• I'm working on a new course for GC which is for new users of SL.  No dance, not even gor.  How to manage Open Collar, how to manage your inventory, settings in firestorm and SL viewer.  How to walk LOL.  Krista's whining I'm slow and I keep blowing her raspberries.

Stuff I follow

Just a list dumped out:

The dance queens blog:  http://sldancequeens.blogspot.ca/

Master Koardan's blog:  http://housekoardan.blogspot.ca/

Any suggestions?  I'll add my own but feel free to comment some.  NOTE!  I may remove your comment if I don't like the site.  That's why you can make your OWN blog *grins*

Why can't we all just get along?

What a week!  As usual, the dance world had some fun.  It's been several months since the last blow up and now we get another.  Oddly enough, the same girl is at the center of them both...  Go figure!

Now, I'd really like to be a-political here.  I truly would.  I enjoy creating and performing short 1 person animated plays (imho what dance actually is, since my butt is firmly in the chair while I'm doing it) and therefore there are times that things have to be said.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Edmund Burke
Irish orator, philosopher, & politician (1729 - 1797)

I figure this applies to slaves as well.  It certainly applies to me.  Ain't seen a windmill yet I didn't want to tilt, though I try to pick which ones I take on.  There are people in the dance world I just can't stand for personal reasons, just like there are people in RL I can't stand.  When I'm forced to associate with them in public, I try to keep that under wraps.  I am polite and civil.  I recommend to those I'm introducing to the process of creating animated plays on SL that they be polite and civil.  And naive idiot that I am, I'm always surprised when others don't follow the same rules.

This week I tilted at sage betson's blog.  It was a combination of frustration before I let go my inhibitions and cultured my inner sarcastic bitch.  Then I had fun!  If anyone wants to play, the current brew-haha is here: http://sagebetsen.wordpress.com/2014/01/12/what-hurts-the-gorean-dance-community/

The LAST time sage got bored and felt she wasn't getting enough attention (ok, that might be harsh, but she reminds me of Canada Post, which seems to shriek 'STRIKE' every time Christmas rolls around and they haven't been in the news lately) is here:  http://dancingconfessions.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/confession-13-shit-rolls-downhill/

Do I think you should read them?  Yes.  Don't eat first.  Do I think you should make your own decisions?  YES!  Do I care which you make?  Kinda, but not enough to listen to your input in this case.  Hollar all ya want, I will likely ignore them.  There are many topics on which I will welcome thoughtful and considered input.  I suspect in this case we won't get either for this topic.

For me, I will actively avoid or withdraw from contests where sage is competing or involved. That means I'm going to come across as a difficult bitch sometimes, though I'll try to be clear with organizers.  I'd rather not compete than give her my tacit approval.  I stopped competing after the last round of bullshit and had been back into it.  This kind of crap leaves a bad taste and if I'm not dancing for the love of it, why am I doing it?

Next blog will be a-political (or mostly)!  Thank you for listening to my rant.