Bye-bye gor rp sims!  No one needs this level of bullshit.

Goodbye SL Gor

So...   I've pretty much removed myself from SL-gor sims.  I do show up from time to time as "eye candy" but the day-in-day-out I spend on my own land.  I'm making a gacha ('making' is a relative term and would indicate some regular progress LOL.)

Seriously though, my inventory is FULL of stuff to make - over full really, textures, mesh, lots of goodies.

I am making some small (and rather ineffective) attempts to RP outside of gor, but frankly, I've been in gor since about 2007 Yes, tuka isn't my first avi.  The first was killed by LL when I didn't renew my membership (the bastards) and my second still exists because there's a massive amount of inventory on it.  I do have some other alts, but I log them in very seldom, and frankly, don't RP them.  I made them intending to, but I'm not really wired to maintain multiple characters.

Master and I are RPing on the 'estate' as well, which is pretty much filling my RP appetite these days.  Though... with me as an elf often, he's adapting to being called "toppy dude"...  Sometimes "yo, bastard toppy dude!".  The elf is a bit sarcastic.

My long standing and finally overwhelming issue with SL-gor is 'the requirement slaves be a doormat'.  I got sent out of RP (yea, that again).  Got sent out 4 times.  Those of you who haven't rped with me, I tend to be quiet, content to sit at the edge and spectate if not allowed a more active role.  I understand that slave is a 'bit part' for the most part.  One of the times I was brought into the tavern, belted, to serve someone I'd been setting RP up with for over an hour.  We were having a good chat, discussing some gaming issues we could bring onto the sim as well OOC.  The tavern keep threw me out to an empty sim.  Was he entitled? Sure!  Have I gone into the tavern all the time?  Nope.  I wait to be ordered in or brought in.  I'd been in there twice without my Master in a few months.  The last time I went to the dock and tped out and haven't been back except as eye candy on very rare occasions.  My chain sister expressed that she had literally begged in group if there was some RP she could join.  I had a vision of her weeping in 8 years asking if she wasn't worth anything more, of me having set the example that this was all she was entitled to expect.  And I almost threw up.

Since the sim admins had been sending out notices every time someone sneezed, I asked for a notice that slaves are people too, and sending us out of RP.  These people sent out a notice when a new RPer (their IC daughter) got harassed by some asshat who wasn't even FROM the sim about appropriate behaviour.  And yet.. now?  Suddenly "oh, we've decided not to send notices".  1/3 of their rpers are being actively abused by being sent out of RP they were invited into or screwed up the courage to try to insert themselves into, but 'oh, we've decide not to send notices'.  Cool beans!  Glad to hear it.

So, not my sim.  I'm cool with that.  Note it's not THAT sim.  It's the culture of SL-gor that if you choose to RP slave, you have no right to OOC regard.  So... I've chosen to leave.  I've chosen to not set an example that this abuse is ok.  I've chosen to put my foot down and walk away from it, and hopefully give someone else the strength to see that I did it.  It isn't without cost, to me or the RP household, and not everyone agrees with me, but that's ok.  I agree with me and I refuse to devalue myself OOC to a worthless piece of cage meat.  That's ok IC - I can play that.  OOC?  No one has the right to devalue another to that degree.

This is a bit disjointed, and likely I'll come back and clean it up, but for now... it's out there.

Things that are pissing me off

Three things today, all of which are pissing me off.  Currently in Ar, but these happen everywhere

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I have one, ONE - as in fucking singular - space I can RP right now.  Twice I've been sent out of RP and I gotta tell you, I'm damned tired of it.

When I'm issued an order IC, I have two choices, follow it or get that fucking 'princess' label for disobeying, so if I'm told to leave, or told to go somewhere else, I don't have a lot of options.  I leave (which means logging) or disobey and end up being 'a bad slave'.  I log in for some fun, a chance to RP, hell even just to sling a bowl of paga some dude's way.  To get tossed out on my ass from the only place I can be doesn't make for happy.

THINK about it next time you force a slave out of RP.  They likely came in hoping to have a little fun, maybe relax after a day of work.  Instead, you told them they were worthless and left them without anything to do.  Don't want to RP another's slave?  FINE, but don't force THEM out of the RP.

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IC Actions have IC Consequences

Don't start a hard RP line with a script in mind.  If you want to be an idiot, accept that someone might just call you on it.  If you're a slave and you put down the free, well... getting in someone's IMs and bitching about the outcome is cheating.  If you want your script followed, get off your ass and start your own fucking sim.  Put in the rules you are the supreme being and everyone who enters must follow your one twue way.  At least have the guts to be clear.

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Thought RP

Why the hell, after all these years of RP, am I still seeing people with years on their SL avi, thinking that THINKING an insult means the other person can't react?  I am going to start getting militant on this.  You think it?  I hear it as muttering.  If I decide to be shocked at your insult to someone else, deal with it or stop your fucking cowardice.

Carry on...

I danced today!

And yesterday LOL

Judged today (my submission dance to my Master) and yesterday an exhibition (my story dance about famine - lovely topic *chuckles).  It felt a little weird hitting the sands, as I think it's been...*checks* it's been OVER a year since I danced publicly!  However, I was surprised I STILL get butterflies!.  Anyway short post, but we'll see what happens.

RP snippet - don't do everything well!

I've been cleaning inventory lately.  Yes, cleaning.  Sorting textures, boxing up clothing with SL layers etc.  I'm down from 55K to about 40K.  Still have to get the textures into organizers, and my "household" folders, which include furniture, rugs, plants, etc are a freaking nightmare.  I suspect, even if I don't sort the building and scripting folders, I'll end up around 30K.

As I've been working through it, I've found a few gems.  I also found almost 300 outfits with SL layers I'd never unpacked...  everything's relative.
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Callidus Laron nods and gives him a grin. "Well, I had to try, Sir. " He looks over in he direction of he girl arriving, "Well what do we have here?" His eyes pouring over her form as his lips curl in a smile.

rajaa looks behind her, then at him, eyes dancing a bit with imp "just a girl Master"

Callidus Laron nods to the man, "Thank you sir" his gaze then retturns to the girl, "Well just a girl, hat is a very odd thing for a slave to be called, but I suppose your master can name you whatever he wishes. " he cocks his head a her a moment, and rubs his chin in thought, "Now just what services might you be offering me?"

rajaa: ah - my Master chose rajaa for me, if it pleases Master *softly, smiling at his banter* errr... I hope I can provide any..er.. *pushes at the belt with a blush* pardon, almost any service you'd wish Master? I can cook, launder, bath, dance. Can't sing well though, you'd best keep near the infirmary if you wish me to try *chuckles

Callidus Laron smiles at her."Well now, perhaps if you cannot sing, then that is what you should practice." he tries to look at her sternly, the gleam in his eye belying his joy. "yes, yes, let us have a song."

rajaa: oh dear... um... Master paid good coin to improve some some skill at dance, but decided quickly it wasn't worth even a clipped tarsk bit when it came to voice lessons *blushes* he said it was rather painful Master

Callidus Laron looks at her furrowing his brows, and pursing his lips in almost comic anger. "Are you refusing my request, just a girl?"

rajaa: one is not Master *whispers softly* just offering the warning lest you be too hopeful Master *mumbles* taking a deep breath, then another, she considers what she might sing, hoping for something quick and quiet..

Callidus Laron allows the angry expression to fade from his face he crosses his arms in front of him as he watches. "Go on, just a girl, anything will be fine."

rajaa starts thready and soft, the tone akin to something the urts they've been killing might manage. The words, if they were actually recognizable, would be familiar to any child raised on the vosk, a song about a fisherman who tries to land a giant sorp. The tune, if tune you would call it, is flat, when it isn't completely offkey, and every time she tries to fit in a breath she squeaks...

rajaa blushes hard, body trying to curl forward before she forced her shoulders back. While an attractive position, it has the added misfortune of making her louder. The squeaking gets worse as well, but at times she forgets to breath and then the sound is almost not unpleasant. Mind you, the unpleasant part is mostly becuase it's too soft to hear

Callidus Laron tries to smile as he listens but his face just contorts as if he had taken a bite of a tospit. He listens a bit more and shudders slightly, his finger going to his ear as if to fish the notes from his ear canal.

rajaa looks up at him, her lower lip quivering a bit "one did try to warn you Master" *whispers* "though apparently a beast can dance better than she sings... er... much better Master?" *the squeak coming back as she tries to recover

Callidus Laron looks down at her unable any further to hold back his mirth. He threw his head back and laughed loudly. "Well, thank you for your service girl. You may tell your Master that you served well today and mention that you sang." he nods with pleasure at her then hearing the yelling, he turns around to see if the situation as under control

Tripped over this - why you should dance.

While cleaning my inventory and looking for a quote I saved somewhere safe (which of course means 'where da fu.... did I put that?') I tripped over this in a NC I wrote May 21 2013.  I titled the NC "one more damned dancer stiring the pot". Some of you will recall the situation, some of you won't.  The situation itself doesn't really matter.  The thoughts are pretty good if I do say so myself *grins*

There has been an amazing amount of bullshit (yea,  let's call it what it is.   We're all adults, or supposed to be) flying through SL gor over the last few days.   I decided I'd like to add a little dung on the pile.
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I just finished the exhibition of the workshop I've wanted to do for over a year.  I love to teach.   I'm not the only one by any means.   I also love to learn.  I started dancing (badly) -  I didn't suck,  but like many things, it's hard to intuit the rules and the practices.  I started out at one school, continued with another class and then got down to business and starting DOING it.

So, now I'm an expert... HA!  What I have become expert at is smiling, nodding and getting out of the way when the proverbial bosk dung hits the fan.  I dance for 3 reasons:  I'm amazed I can actually do it, it gives me a way to explore what I come to SL to explore (my submission) and my Master wants me too (since I really don’t like even RP whippings *grins).  There are others who seem to enjoy my dancing:  my former Master Blaze Seattle for instance.  But what it comes right down to is I want to.

ANYONE telling me that I have to dance a certain way, have to follow a certain pattern, have to internalize a certain drive is going to find that my submission is somewhat selective, and my language ability ranges from highly educated multisyllabic to fishwife.  I've been listening to the dren flying about, all with it’s own skew.  What I've seen so far is there’s a lot of people who seem to think they have the right to tell other people what they should do.  Unfortunately this isn't new.  It’s just a little more evident right now.

In the past two years, the MOST important thing I've learned about dance is do it because you love it.  It’s bloody thankless work for the most part!  You carve your words, you put your heart and pieces of your soul into them, sometimes feeling like each one has been chiselled out of your own bones.  You set them out on a lovely silver platter and kneel before the world with them held up, head bowed low.

Then some git tells you it’s wrong, or stolen, or you didn't deserve 3rd place, or second or first.  What’s the appropriate reaction?  In my case, it’s been tears and angst, and then anger and fury, and then thinking 'Why did I just put myself through that again?'  Because I had something important I needed to share, not because I needed you to get it, but because I needed to share it.  (dat's the important bit right there btw.) Every girl who dances risks this every time she puts little pieces of herself out for you to ridicule.

Should I stop?  HELL NO!  Will I stop crying?  Probably not.  Will I continue to hold myself at arms length from the dance community as a whole?  Likely.  I've dealt with bullies before and don’t see any particular reason to hang about making nice.  There are people in the dance community I respect highly, even if I don’t agree with them.  Some of them are long time word sculptors, some are literally writing their first words.  Hopefully, I’ll be one of the ones who helps them find their voices and sends them out with methods to protect themselves.

Pain and learning to accept the apology you never got?

So, today's question is....  do you wait or give in when you feel you're owed an apology?  (title's a give away, sorry)

Here's my scattershot thought process, such as it is:

1. Closure is a myth.  Things just end sometimes with no rhyme or reason.  Relationships are seldom logical.  
2. There are worse things in life than being alone, but being alone is bloody hard.
3. The only one punished by isolation is the one isolated.

There are a few things going on, some of which are dragging up old baggage.  I was once driven off a sim because I made an OOC comment in IM about someone who complained there was nothing going on but never came out of the house, and was judged as 'worthless as a slave' because of it.  My Master at the time decided it wasn't important enough to deal with the bullying, and I spent several months trying to find a balance between not taking off the collar and being a 'semi-owned' loose slave.  It wasn't a happy time.  A lot of nasty things happened during that time, and there were a lot of tears.  Now I find myself in a not-quite the same but not quite different situation.  This time, I have a safe place to go where I'm wanted, but it's not, oh so very not, where I want to be, which is at my Master's boot.  I have a Master who wants me, but the sim situation is...well...   yea.

I've tried ducking my head and just ignoring it.  The latest brew-ha-ha occurred when I did what I was told to - pointed out a problem.  Suddenly, I'm the problem.  Gotta wonder at that point.  Apparently there's been some back tracking but no one feels it's important that I actually be included in the 'well damn, perhaps that wasn't the best response' thing.  Am I being petty?  I know you're thinking it.  Trust me, I've thought it.  What I am is hoping that there's a lesson in here somewhere for the people involved - if you want to take a slice outta someone for doing what you told them, don't expect that telling OTHER people you maybe kinda coulda done something differently is going to work.  Put on your big boy/girl pants and tell the person.  Added to this are accusations I was going exactly what I was pointing out (thought insults).  As with one of my former teaching spots, I was told "there have been complaints about you".  No one bothered to tell me of these before I made some noise of course, and no one's bothered to tell me what the complaints were or if they were recent, or if they were in revenge for some OOC bullshit I decided to cut through with a knife.  Sorry for the vague, but I dislike splashing names around ((unlike sage *snickers* sorry - I had to - I just had to get a laugh out of SOMETHING today))

I took a kick in the teeth from someone I didn't expect it from, and that combined with the admin response shook me enough I removed myself from the danger zone.  Then today, I took another from the one person I thought wasn't going to do such, and now...  well...  my world has spun ass over teakettle.  The problem with giving a damn is you get hurt.  The problem with giving a very big damn is you can get hurt very badly.  Tomorrow is another day.  I'm hoping it's a better one.

"try to forget you're an organic pain collector heading towards oblivion" - Marvin the depressive robot.